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Dear Aunt Stevie,
My partner's mom is a heinous wretch. She claims that her son was straight until meeting me, and that I “turned” him, thus depriving her of the joys of a daughter-in-law, grandchildren, etc., etc. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me, and the feeling is mutual. The problem is that my partner still wants to have a mother-son relationship. He had a rough time growing up due to learning disabilities, etc., and his mom was a great advocate. She also was a single mom who supported and nurtured him in a loving home. Still, when I hear him talking to her on the phone, or know he's going to see her, my blood boils, because I feel that he is betraying me. It's a daily hassle, and I want him to choose: her or me—and it better be me.
I feel dissed
Dear Dissed,
Heinous wretch, huh? Well, someone is certainly in touch with his feelings. Let's calm down here a minute, fella. How can you ask somebody to hate their mother? That's like asking someone to …hate their mother. Your partner must be feeling pretty distraught over this issue, being caught in the middle between the sainted mother who gave him so much and the loving partner who feels betrayed. Is there any middle ground here at all to work from? Could Mom possibly be educated as to the impossibility of “turning” someone gay? Could you try to find some sense of understanding that Mom's feelings about being deprived are, in some ways, understandable? Are there other siblings who could help do a little mediation in this regard? Would you, Mom, and partner be willing to sit down with a counselor and talk some of this through? Maybe you could start this way: you could write a letter to Mom saying: “While there is much we don't agree on, and possibly never will, we do have this in common – we both love your son very much, and neither one of us wants to see him hurt. Let's talk.” Then, the ball is in her court. When you whack it back at her, try not to aim for the thorax.
Dear Aunt Stevie,
How long should one wait after a long-term relationship (almost 17 years) to start dating again? My partner left 3 weeks ago. Her stuff is not totally out of my closet; we still own a car together; and she comes over every few days to work on her garden. She is, however, out of my life and out of my heart. People keep telling me to take some time alone before seeking out another relationship, but I don't want to wait. Why should I?
Felicity
Dear Felicity,
'Cause you may not be done yet, that's why. You have a few tasks to attend to. You should not be owning property together. She should not be coming over several times a week. Her stuff needs to be out of your closet, in both the literal and metaphorical sense. Seventeen years is a long, long time for a relationship, and the danger of plunging into dating right away is that there may be the old rebound phenomenon, where a new relationship looks appealing because it is shiny and new and hasn't yet fallen into complacency. What's your hurry? Does the sale on new mates end at midnight ? I recommend you take a little time to do some of the things you couldn't do as a couple, just to sort of reinforce/get back in touch with what life was like before she became your partner. Do some self-exploring, do some introspection, think about how you might like the next relationship, if there is one, to be different or the same. This phase should last exactly 2 months, 11 days and six hours. Not a second more, or less. Take a little time, lick your wounds, and peek your little butch head out of the nest cautiously.
Dear Aunt Stevie,
Loved your Halloween suggestions; they made me laugh out loud. How should my boyfriend and I make Thanksgiving a fun event? We're having lots of friends over, and we want to go right over the top. I'd ask Martha S., but she's not returning my calls since getting sprung.
Roland
Dear Rols,
The b**** doesn't return my calls either. I think its because I wrote to tell her that her latkes suck. Let's see … Thanksgiving. Well, Aunt Stevie used to make the wretched spawn dress up like little pilgrims (my hand to God, I have photos to prove it), while hubby and I greeted the guests dressed like Indians. It seemed like a good idea at the time. You could send invitations telling people they must come in costume, and divide guests into either the pilgrim or Indian faction. Then, later on when the natives pass around the ole peace pipe, and everyone is feeling mellow, you could all play what we euphemistically call “making peace with our new friends the white man”. I have no clear idea as to what this game might entail, but I'll bet with enough Mogen David and imagination, you can come up with something quite creative. Just don't do the old trick where you walk around with the raw turkey neck hanging out of your unzipped fly. I have a relative who actually does that, and it has never brought down the house; it only makes the teenagers wish that they could go live in foster care.
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